I am now in possession of a nice, hopefully nothing-wrong-with-it desktop from Target. The parts people said there were no more tops there (I think they just wanted to be rid of me) so I would need to go to Target and have them pull another one off the shelf and get me that one.
Which is what they did and it seems to have worked out. Watch this new top be from after the "redesign" in which they put all the screw holes and shit in different places.
Most amusing part was when the very helpful Target guy gave me the special-little-organized-thingy of hardware from the soon-to-be-scrap other box. He was all, here, even if you don't need it, your husband will like all the hardware.
Which begs the question...
IF I had a husband and IF said husband was the type to get excited over desk hardware, wouldn't I have made HIM take the desktop back?
Maybe he wanted me to say, "Oh, I don't have a husband! Why don't we go out to dinner and then you can come back to my place and....assemble my desk."